First of all please know that no matter
your past Jesus cares for your broken heart. He understands.
He was wounded and His body broken by men,too. He still has
His wounds. The Lord has taken the blinders off of my eyes
and helped me to see this.
As hard as it is to say about these
problems, the Holy Spirit is gentling reminding me there’s
no more time to waste. All that matters is God’s glory and
the souls of men. Like Genessa Wells said a couple weeks
before her death, “It seems that everything we do comes down
to one thing: His glory. I pray that all our lives reflect
that.” Page 180 “Radical” by David Platt
Want to know how long eternity is? My
Bible study the Lord lead me to today was to find one the
biggest numbers. On mathanswers.com I read that it would
take 1081 years to count a googol (a very large number that
I just learned about today) if you count 10 with each
passing second. It would take the entirely of the Millennial
Kingdom and the first 81 years of the New Jerusalem/Lake of
Fire (whichever one each person will go to). Eternity is a
lot longer than the googol number. Here’s a practice. Draw
10 circles (or any shape you want) on a piece of paper.
Imagine counting those circles for that long all the way
into the first 81 years of going into the New Jerusalem. Yet
than eternity is long than even that.
This alone makes the Gospel worth it. No
wonder our persecuted brothers and sisters understand that
the Gospel is worth dying for. They need our prayers to stay
faithful unto death and to get the Gospel and Bibles out to
people.
His strength is made perfect in your
weakness just like His strength is made perfect in my
weakness. Honestly, I’m horrible at math. I’m in my early
30’s but my math level only goes to around a 4th
grade level. And even than that is when I start to struggle
(Fractions and long division/multiplication started in 4th
grade and that’s when my current math skills start to really
drop).
Yesterday I was at Family Dollar. The
Lord let me look at the pies. There’s a certain brand that
has the last name of someone who I used to know. It just
happened to be her 40th birthday yesterday. She
died when I was 12 years old. I know you’re not supposed to
judge a person’s eternity. I just have a sickening feeling
realizing where’s she’s at if she didn’t repent. There will
be no Marriage Supper for her. There’s no Heaven, hugs from
Jesus, the Millennial Kingdom or the New Jerusalem for her
either.
There won’t even be the most humblest of
foods for her or anyone else there. Jesus has helped me to
understand that “Uncle Sam won’t find any green eggs and
spam rations in the lake of fire.” Eggs and spam were ration
food for the war and war is on the horizon. And the cat in
the hat looks like Uncle Sam. America has ignited the wrath
of God. People refuse to repent. They still are making
abortions legal (despite overturning Roe V Wade), all this
trans stuff. And now Biden is trying for that two state
solution. No wonder we’re getting hit such odd weather (did
you see NY? That is where Biden said it). In other words
people in Hell/the lake of fire won’t even have Dr. Seuss
food for the rest of eternity. All yeah, do you remember
what the little guy’s name is who tries to get the guy with
the hat the eggs and ham (you can substitute the food. For
ex. Anyone Jewish can say another meat like corned
beef/lamb. I’m just saying ham because that is what people
are used to)? His name is Sam.
God can use anything for His glory. No
matter if it’s a Dr. Seuss book or allergies. He loves to
use the weak things. 1st Corinthians 1:27-28
“27 But God hath chosen
the foolish things of the world to confound the wise;
and God hath chosen the weak things of the world to
confound the things which are mighty;
28 And base things of
the world, and things which are despised, hath God
chosen, yea, and things which are not, to bring to
nought things that are:” Biblegateway
Lisa Leenie died sometime this month. I’m
not sure if she died in 2015 or 2016. She died at the end of
the month so very close to the person I told you’s birthday.
People are born/having their birthdays while other people
are dying on that same day. Life is so uncertain. That’s why
it’s so important to spread the Gospel. Lisa is in Heaven
though. If the other person didn’t repent it’s too late for
her.
This is being brought up because recently
things I’ve blocked out for so long have recently started
flooding back into my memory. I know what kind of person she
was. And no I absolutly can’t say what happened. It would
destroy my family and,if any of her remaining family members
that are still alive, found out, it’d destroy them,too.
That is why I need your prayers. You see
I need the Father’s wisdom. The Holy Spirit has been pruning
me. The Lord had to walk with me through some very difficult
memories to show me why I’ve always been a perfectionist and
why I’ve always feared death. I don’t know how to tell
people what Jesus has freed me from because they don’t know
my past. I’ve been a perfectionist for so long for fear of
making mistakes. And people were made to think that I was
“The good girl who never did anything wrong”. I kept so much
from my parents and people who weren’t involved. I’d much
rather keep these memories a secret. I just need the
Father’s wisdom because what happened is a major part of my
testimony. The Lord has pruned me and now He’s delivered me
from the fear of death and being a perfectionist.
I also don’t know how to tell people that
I’m Jewish or autistic. In, I think it was 2017, an aunt
came up to me in Kroger and said “We’re Greek and Jewish!”
We just always thought grandma was Italian. She found out
from one of those ancestry tests. You see she has a brother
who I suspect is anti- semitic. Something was said a couple
years ago and I could tell it was geared towards the Jewish
people. Every conversation that starts out like that always
does. The Lord helped me to change the conversation in
asking about things he knows about like his grandma. It’d be
problematic if he wasn’t Jewish. But he’s anti- semitic and
doesn’t know his own mom was Jewish (and thus he’s also got
Jewish roots). The truth is I know how he treated grandpa
before he died in the 80’s. I was told about it. And what
happened to his old girlfriend. And that is where the root
of fear comes from. Yes, the Holy Spirit still has a lot of
pruning to do in my heart. He’s a hard worker. He always
gives His 100%. He’s very patient.
Honestly, his own grandma (and grandpa),
that he was telling me about, was from Italy. They
came to America years before the war. If they would have
stayed in Italy (for there were Nazi camps in Italy) they
both would have been murdered. It’s that same hatred, that
he has in his heart for the Jewish people, that first
preceded the actual deaths of the Jewish and other people.
Which I must add would have eliminated his grandparents (not
sure who was Jewish but just being married to someone Jewish
would have been a death sentence) and thus eliminated his
chance of ever being born.
My grandpa was an Irish German. He had a
few relatives from Britain who died fighting against Hitler
and the Nazis. I mention them because it helps you and me to
realize that life is bigger than this temporary time of
2023. Just knowing that I had a few relatives who died
fighting that monster has had an affect on me. While I never
met them it’s affected me by realizing that there’s things
bigger than myself. They fought for something bigger than
themselves. That is their legacy of what they’ve left for
others. I can’t help but pounder on the thought that what I
do will affect people after me even after my death. What
will my last words be? Will God use those words to be
brought to atleast one persons’ memory to help them? Yet if
my last words are negative that will affect the Lord and
others. I know Sophie Scholl’s last words have affected me.
I looked online and it said on Wikipedia that her last words
were “God, you are my refuge into eternity”. Will people see
the light of Jesus (as I see in Sophie Scholl’s life and
Corrie and Betsie Ten Booms’ lives) when they hear of my
name? I know whenever I hear or read Sophie,Corrie or
Betsie’s names I think of Jesus. I hope people think of the
Lord when they hear my name said. It’s not me that they need
to see but Jesus.
If grandpa would have married grandma in
Germany (he was born in America but I’m just saying if he
would have lived in Germany) they would have both died in a
Nazi camp. If she would have been born in Italy, and grew up
there, she would have died in a camp in Italy in her early
20’s. And if that would have happened you wouldn’t be
reading this right now. It makes you think.
We all look forward to when all this
hatred will be over with. It’ll be wonderful to finally see
Jesus and get a big hug from Him. Until than know that He
loves to fellowship with you. For you to be still and listen
to His voice. In exchange He listens to your orchestra. Your
orchestra is your heart beating. Did you know God designed
each heart with a different rhythm pattern? So therefore
your heart rhythm pattern (your orchestra) for the Lord is
different than mine. Each heart beat is a unique song for
the Lord. He likes you to invite Him and say “Please sit
down and listen to your orchestra”. It’s quiet time with
Jesus. That means abortion stops a unique song that the Lord
wanted to be played. That song will never be repeated
because that baby, whose heart was forced to stop beating,
is unique. No one will ever be like him or her. Abortion
makes Jesus cry.
His strength is made perfect is your and
my weakness. He’s shown me that through many things but one
is my (many) allergies. One of the things I’m allergic to is
bamboo. A long time ago I seen a movie on Daystar about a
Chinese pastor telling a young lady that whenever a bamboo
gets cut down it grows back stronger. The persecuted Church
is the same way. Whenever someone is martyred for Jesus the
Church grows stronger. Tertullian said “The blood of the
martyrs is the seed of the Church.” What does that have to
do with allergies? The Lord uses it to help me see how
fragile life is. He’s teaching me not to take it or granted.
I know how bad allergies can get. I have trouble breathing
around bamboo. My worst allergy is blueberries though. Just
smelling blueberries will close my throat and airways up.
The Lord has pruned me of much pride, self pity, self hate,
fear of death and being a perfectionist. I can tell you He
truly does love to use the weak things of this life for His
glory and to help us learn what He wants us to. One of the
ways He’s humbled me the most is realizing my life is so
fragile that I’m no match for a blueberry muffin. It’d be
pride and pure foolishness to think I could eat a blueberry
muffin with no consequences. It teaches me to 1. Know that
God is in control and 2. Life is very fragile, don’t take it
for granted.
Lastly, I also don’t know how to tell
people I’m autistic. I learned about autism in 12th
grade nursing (it was really a 9th grade class
but it was my last year so my opportunity was just about
gone to take a nursing class). It matched me perfectly. I’m
glad His strength is made perfect in my weakness. Everything
from the not being able to properly communicate socially (I
can talk but struggle with expressing myself), stimming, eye
avoidance,etc… I don’t know how to tell people without
fear of being called the demeaning word people say to those
with disabilities. I know people in my family would. I have
family who would gossip about it and tell everyone. I tried
telling an uncle (not the one I mentioned earlier)
once that I’m autistic and he told me “No, you’re
not”. I told an aunt (the one who told me that “We’re Greek
and Jewish!”) over 9 years ago and she responded “I always
knew that something was wrong, I just didn’t know what. Now
I know.”
I’m glad Jesus cares for those who
society looks down upon. He loves outcasts. It’s so
comforting to know if no one else cares that He does. He
understands rejection and brokenness better than anyone.
When He holds you you’re being held by His nail scared
hands. On the cross He held out His arms and was saying “I
love you. Come to me.” In Heaven He will hold out His arms
and nail scarred hands and say “I love you. Welcome Home.”
I’m so looking forward to getting a big hug from those
beautiful nail scared hands.