It was six years ago this month. I was in my 8th grade homeroom. In homeroom we were put into groups and we'd rotate what we'd do each day. One day may be games, another day may be computers. It all depended what your group had to do that day. Well, the group I was in, it was the day for computers. I still remember it. The windows were right there and we could look at the snow when we were online. It just happened to be snowing that day. It was coming down pretty good. I was on the end computer. I just so happened to get the one with "that" picture as a background. This part is very importent because if I would have went onto one of the other ones this probably would have never happened. Those pictures weren't as bad. Anyways, the picture was morbid. I didn't really know anything about Jesus at the time but I didn't like what I seen. I didn't like what they did with the picture to the man on the cross. It had Him on the cross with people surrounding Him. It was in a cartoonish style. It wasn't like one of those regular pictures you'd see of Him on a cross. No this was different. It was mocking what Christ did for us. I changed it to a nice peaceful snow scene. It fit the mood perfectly since it was snowing outside. Josh found out I changed it. He wasn't happy. He came behind me while I was sitting in my seat. I don't remember every word he said but I clearly remember him saying this.
 
"You're so dead! I'm going to stab you with this pencil. Just wait until I get you out onto the street alone." Please take note I had been bullied most of my school life. I was now in 8th grade. I couldn't take anymore of it and something just snapped inside. Lunch was after homeroom. I went into the restroom by the cafateria. I was teriffied he would kill me. My friend tried to comfort me saying he wasn't going to. That didn't do much good though. Atleast she was there for support. I went into a deep depression afterwards. At first just little things depressed me. For ex. I remember I got ink on my finger in homeroom. I learned that even the little things can be too much in a depression. Sadly, it was only going to get much worse before I would come to Christ. For you see my depression would worsen and I would become suicidal. I attempted it atleast once and I did do self-harm to myself. Please know I'm not that way now but I was in the 8th grade. You will see how Jesus used that threat to oneday help me find Him. It wouldn't be until like 4 and a half years though on Sat., May 29th, 2010. You'll see though the progression and what He did to lead me to find Him.
 
Around that time I was with an online group, SOVA. It was a group to help the old Pokemon voice actors get back their jobs. Well, I talked to some people about my problems. I remember telling this girl I wasn't sure how I was going to make it to 15 [which was in March of 07]. My 15th birthday was months away. I remember saying something like I wanted to die but I was afraid of going to heck [I didn't like calling it Hell, I thought it was a bad word]. There was one person in perticular I talked to online. HM. I told her alot of stuff.
 
Keep in mind so much of this was going on around the same time in my 14 year old life. I wanted to help SOVA so much. I looked up ways to help them. I came across spells. I did some searching for awhile. I finally tried one. :sighs:
 
I also dealt with the music on the bus. It made my depression worse. I eventually wanted to hear it so I could go deeper into my depression. Keep in mind the bullying didn't stop after Josh, I still had the bullies to put up with as well during this time period. I looked up something very evil for awhile...I don't want to say the name. Put it this way it would have been like asking the Devil himself to help me comitt suicide. I thought I wouldn't be accountable if I did it that way. Wrong...
 
Anyways around the time of the spells I found another method. Prayer. I figured if I asked God would help the old voice actors get back their jobs! HM and I ended up talking about God and Jesus and stuff. I didn't care about religion but I went along with it. The main reason I was interested in prayer in the 1st place was to help the old voice actors. I eventually dumped the spells. Praise Jesus!


I still had to deal with my depression. I was getting worse. Eventually I found ways to cause self harm...And as hard as it is to say this...yes I tried to comitt suicide. What was very dangerous was, I crossed the line. I was afraid of "heck". I don't think I was as afraid during that point in time. I even remember telling HM one time that after I died I would come thank her for all that she's done and than go to Heaven. That shows I was getting ready to leave this world. I wasn't as afraid [if at all] of dieing.
 
Not sure when but during some point in time I told the counsler about the bullying. While it didn't stop completly it wasn't as bad as it was. I'm not sure if this was later on or what. But, I remember being tempted. I was alone in the room. I seen a bottle of pills. Thank God I didn't take them although I was very much tempted to.
 
I'm not sure if it was around Jan. or Feb. I think it was still Winter though. I knelt down and asked God and Jesus to help me with my problem. Keep in mind I didn't believe Christ was God at the time. So, I just said "God and Jesus." I still looked online at stuff. I found websites encourging not to comitt suicide. I think that really helped me out. I found something else. I read about if I said this prayer I'd be saved. So, I said the prayer. I didn't know really anything about the gospel though. I mean I heard about Jesus resurrecting, mainly on Easter with commericalism and shows. I heard about Jesus dieing for our sins before. I didn't even really know what that meant though. I still thought I was saved because I said the prayer. I was wrong...
 
It was probably ether Spring or getting close to it. I was talking to someone on Skype's chatroom. I disobeyed mom for she made it clear chatrooms weren't allowed. I chatted with him anyways. I knew him from online before so I thought he was ok. Geoffrey. Well, one day he wanted to know what state I lived in. I didn't want to tell him. So, he got mad and said we weren't really friends than. Ironicly, in 8th grade we were doing internet safety. I should have told them...Eventually, I wanted to leave the Pokemon forum I was also on. He said if I did he would hang himself. Those are two very clear warning signs...and it's by the grace of God I didn't get myself in bigger trouble talking to him, if you know what I mean.
 
Well, 8th grade was coming to an end. It was late May. Because we were 8th graders we got to go on a special field trip. Well, we were walking on the bridge. Someone tripped me. If he would have tripped me in the wrong direction I would have fell over the bridge. I think I would have died because the drop was quite steep. Well, instead of getting a broken kneck I just got a very hurt wrist. It hurt really bad. By His Grace though that's what was hurting and it wasn't worse than a hurt wrist.

In 9th grade, I think it was in Jan. of 08. I was at home online. Someone, a brother in Christ, on a prophecy forum was telling me about how Jesus is God. Please remember I didn't believe before that point in time that Jesus was God. They mentioned it in Alethia (a Christian group in high school). It gave me the creeps. They said God came in the flesh. I highly disagreed but kept my views to myself.

Anyways, he told me how Jesus is God. I seen the scripture and started believing it. I would struggle with that doctrine for a long time though [sometimes I'd believe Jesus was God, other times I wouldn't]. I still thought I was saved though because I said the prayer. Another brother asked if I said the prayer. I figured that's all I needed.
 

It was the Summer of 08. The JWs started coming around. I thought that it was cool that they wanted to talk about the Bible. I remember I was outside, I was 16 years old getting ready for the 10th grade. I think I was watering flowers. Mom ended up going into discussion with the shorter one. They both agreed how the Trinity was confusing. I think he said how those who believe in the Trinity don't know how to count. I got a bad feeling but it was too late... For some reason I ended up thinking they're just another denomination though. We talked. Mom later joined our "Bible Study".


I think it was sometime in the fall, possibly Sept. of 08. I started questioning my beliefs. I eventually thought that they had to be the true religion. I did research online and something wasn't exactly right. I didn't join as an offical member but we did still study at home. I'd go back in forth thinking Jesus was God, other times I thought He wasn't.

Eventually I talked to someone online. I was told something about if I keep thinking I'm not saved maybe that's the Holy Spirit tugging at my heart. Eventually I came to the conclusion that I wasn't saved. I'd go on a search that would last atleast a year. I went by scriptures like Matthew 7:7 and scriptures that stated stuff like you'll find God when you search for Him with all your heart and with all your soul. I figured it's better to get the right answer and wait than the wrong answer in only a short period of time.


As a side note I know Satan tried to get another one on me. It was 10th grade, 2009. In Biology they were teaching evolution. I tried to stay out of class and just take notes from my Biology book [they said I could]. That didn't last so I just went back to class and put up with it.
 


I went on a search that would take atleast a year. With questions like


Who is God? Is there more than one God? Does God even exist? What is the true religion?


I also asked stuff like "How do you get saved?" I kept hearing about this thing called the gospel. I didn't even know what the gospel was. I eventually heard some people said it was "the gospel of the Kingdom"[which is what the JW say the gospel is] others said it death,burial and resurrection.


There was a problem. For some reason I thought I was still going to Heaven. I don't quite understand the thinking I had. I searched for the true God/salvation/gospel yet thought I was one of the few going to Heaven. I thought I was going for I was "doing the right things". I remember I condemned my friend,who is a Christian, in my heart. I thought "She's wearing skulls? She's going to Hell." Yes, I thought that...I thought those in Christendom were mistaken, There's very few who know the truth and I'm one of them....or so I thought. I never really judged myself. I was very proud and self rightous.


In fact I was so proud...I remember one time I was in 8th grade, end of the year. They were talking in class. I'm not sure who started it or whether it was just on boys or whatever. Whatever it was I shouted out in class "I'm a virgin!" One of the bullies said that I was proud. She didn't know how right show was...I was one of the most proudest people you would have met. I thought I was so much better than the others. After all I was 15 and a virgin. The others had boyfriends. I never had one [unless you count a few little boys when I was little who were my friends.] There was also a boy later on in high school. He was being all nice to me until I gave him a cupcake. I think mom said I'm the first one to be dumped for a cupcake [he wasn't even really my boyfriend, he was just actting super nice. That faded after he got the cupcake]. -_-
 
I was so proud. No boyfriends, no make-up- none of that. I thought I was such a good girl. :sighs: I didn't like the things where they set up stuff like going to in high school [I'm not sure if it was prom or not]. I didn't go to dances in junior high ether. I think I may have still been proud when I didn't go to prom. After all how many people don't go to their high school prom? :sighs:


Anyways, it was sometime in May of 2010. I had eaten salad as a sidedish. I later found out that something was wrong with the lettuce. I was laying on my bed pretty much begging God asking "Please don't let me die!" I knew I needed salvation. It was probably atleast a day or two later since it was on a Sat. when I heard the bluegrass hymn on my CD "Only Trust Him". This wasn't the CD but this is the song


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vetql6l8lz4
 
I went to a room with no one in it. I was tempted to contniue searching for God. I also thought I heard someone else (not an actual voice but you probably know what I mean). I was warned not to harden my heart to the Holy Ghost. If I did I'd ether never get saved or it'd be very difficult for that's how hard my heart would have become. Jesus saved me afterwards on Sat. May 29th, 2010. I was 18 years old.


I didn't say the prayer this time for I knew if oneday down the line I'd question my salvation and I'd end up saying I was saved because I "said the prayer." I put my salvation in His hands and I did ask for forgiveness. Where is my salvation rested? On my Rock. Therefore I can be confident I have eternal life. He'd still have alot to teach me though.