My heart aches for the spiritual battle you are enduring right now. As a pastor with many years experience let me assure you first of all that God has NOT and NEVER WILL desert you. Please read Hebrews 13:5 out loud until it gets in your spirit that He will never leave you nor forsake you. Also Jesus said that He was with us always until the end of the age (Mat. 28:20). As a born-again Christian you have Jesus living inside of you, even if you can’t always see or feel Him. His Word says that He cannot lie (Num. 23:19), so when He says that He will never leave you, He will never leave you. Your fear and continual battle as well as the lies of the enemy have told you that He has deserted you. Jesus has invested His life’s Blood in you, literally. He began a good work in you when you got saved, and He will continue it until the day of Christ (Phil. 1:6.)

Like many people you have had some unfortunate experiences in churches. However, as we see “The Day” approaching it is more important than ever to be part of a church fellowship (Heb. 10:25.) Many Christians think church attendance is only to receive a blessing, and they can just as well receive that blessing through videos, TV, books, Bible reading, etc. All of those are good, but they should be supplements to assembling with fellow believers. In I Corinthians (your apparent favorite book!) chapters 12-14 the apostle Paul describes spiritual gifts and their uses in the congregation. He emphasizes that we are not only to receive a blessing but to BE one. How many other Christians are missing out on what YOU have to offer them from your walk with the Lord? And yes, you do have valuable experience and ministry to share, even in your weakest moments. There have been times when I have felt about as spiritual as a bag of cement, only to have someone come back to me later after I prayed for them and tell me they were healed or greatly helped by what I said. It was the JESUS in me that ministered, but He did it through me, in spite of my flaws. He will do the same through you.

Charles Finney was a pastor in the 1800s who shared the story of visiting one of his church members who had not been in service for a long time. He went to visit the man on a cold, gloomy day. The man opened the door and ushered Finney inside. Neither man said anything, and both sat down by the fireplace in the living room. Soon Finney rose and took the tongs, reached into the flames, and laid a burning ember on the hearth. Both men watched in silence as the ember went from glowing orange to black, and finally grew cold. Finney arose, put on his hat, and left the home. The following Sunday the parishioner was back in church. A lone coal will become cold without the warmth of the other embers to keep it “burning.” So it is with all of us. We need each other in spite of our human faults.

You mentioned that you live in the general area of Tulsa. There are surely some good churches there that would welcome you and not wear you out. Please pray and seek the Lord’s guidance on finding one. You really need the fellowship and friendship of other believers, especially now. What you are experiencing is very real, but it is not going to be forever. He WILL deliver you. You need some help with this, believers who are experienced in dealing with this. Some churches are far more adept than others in handling these situations. I don’t know your denominational background, but you could check out Osborn Ministries International in Tulsa. I’m sure someone there could help you. TL and Daisy Osborn were powerful evangelists not only in the healing ministry but in dealing with demonic spirits. Their daughter LaDonna is now head of the ministry and powerful in her own right.

Please know that the Lord loves you dearly and is deeply touched by your struggle. He has not abandoned you and He will not leave you without deliverance. You don’t have to earn that by hours of prayer, fasting, or anything else to move His heart. As a child of God know that greater is He that is IN you than he that is in the world. I urge you to seek Him and let Him lead you to those who can help you. Wish I lived closer to you. We would be happy to help you. There is someone in the Tulsa area that God has prepared to assist you. Praying you will reach out, and God will connect you. Your battle is about to be over!

Blessings and prayers,
Candy