This one is called "So You Don't Want To
Go To Church Anymore" by Jake Colsen. And may be found here:

 

http://www.jakecolsen.com/contents.html

 

Here is an excerpt where John (the Apostle) is explaining to Jake about why he is struggling and failing in his attempts to be a "proper" Christian

 

“Paul recognized there are three roads in this life, when most

of us only recognize two. We tend to think of our lives as a

choice between doing bad and doing good. Paul saw two different

ways we could try to do good—one makes us work hard to

submit to God’s rules. That one fails every time. Even when he

described himself as following all of God’s rules externally, he

also called himself the worst sinner alive because of the hate and

anger in his heart. Sure he could conform his outward behavior

to fit the rules, but it only pushed his problems deeper. He was,

you remember, out killing God’s people in God’s name.”

“Yes, but Paul is talking about the Old Testament law there.

We’re not following the law. We’re seeking to live by New

Testament principles.”

“No he’s not, Jake. Paul is talking about religion—man’s

effort to appease God by his own work. If we do what he

wants he will be good to us, and if we don’t then bad things will

happen in our lives. On its best day, this approach will allow

us to be smugly self-righteous which is a trap all its own. On its

worst days it will heap guilt upon us greater than we can bear.

Your ‘New Testament principles’ are just another way of living

to the law. You’re still caught up in the process of trying to get

God to reward you for doing good.”

“So trying to do good can be a bad thing?” I couldn’t believe

what I was hearing.

“If you go about it that way, yes. But Paul saw another way to

live in God’s life that was so engaging it transformed his entire

life. He knew that our failures all result from the fact that we

just don’t trust God to take care of us. As Paul grew to know

God better, he discovered that he could trust God’s love for

him. The more he grew to trust God’s love, the freer he was

from those desires that consumed him. Only by trusting Jesus

can anyone experience this kind of freedom and those who

know him do. It is real freedom.”

“Won’t people just use that for an excuse to do whatever feels good and ignore what God wants?”

"Sure some will. Many already have. But those who really

know who God is will want to be like him.”

“We have to have a standard, though, so people can know

what that is.”

That’s when he dropped the bombshell that exploded

every remaining preconception I had of this Christian life.

“Jake, when are you going to get past the mistaken notion that

Christianity is about ethics?”

What? I looked up at him and could not get one coherent

thought from my brain to my mouth. If it isn’t about ethics,

what is it about? I had been raised all of my life to believe that

Christianity was an ethic for life that would earn me a place in

God’s heart. I didn’t even know where to put this last statement,

but he seemed content just to let it hang there.

Finally I found something to say. “I don’t even know how to

respond to that. I’ve lived my whole life in Christ thinking this

was all about ethics.”

“And that is why you’re missing it. You’re so caught up in

a system of reward and punishment that you’re missing the

simple relationship he wants to have with you.”

“How else are we going to know how God feels about us if

we don’t live up to his standards?”

“That’s where you have it backward, Jake. We don’t get his

love by living up to his standards. We find his love in the most

broken place of our lives. As we let him love us there and discover

how to love him in return, we’ll find our lives changing in

that relationship.”

“How can that be?” Don’t we have to walk away from sin to

know him?”

“Walking toward him is walking away from sin. The better

you know him the freer from it you will be. But you can’t walk

away from sin, Jake. Not in your own strength! Everything

he wants to do in you will get done as you learn to live in his

love. Every act of sin results from your mistrust of his love

and intentions for you. We sin to fill up broken places, to try

to fight for what we think is best for us, or by reacting to our

guilt and shame. Once you discover how much he loves you, all

that changes. As you grow in trusting him, you will find yourself

increasingly free from sin.”