Cynthia
is a Christian mom who watched her son drift
away from her because of his homosexuality. But
the story has a happy ending. She's agreed to
share her story for the sake of all the other
parents out there who are struggling to respond
to their kids.
Over the years, certain life events fade into
the distance. But if you were to ask me about
when my son Danny came out of the closet, I
could tell you where we were and remember parts
of the conversation like it was yesterday.
Looking back at it today I must admit that it
wasn't one of my finest hours as a parent.
We had been living in Texas but when our
business failed we moved back to Ohio. We had
just gotten back from spending the holidays at
my brother-in-law's house. I had a lot of
reservations about going there in the first
place because my brother-in-law is gay and he
and his mate had been together as long as my
husband and I had been married (which was about
15 years at this time). My in-laws had come to
terms with the fact that my brother-in-law was
gay and they even welcomed his mate into the
family with open arms. This was so wrong to me.
I always believed that if my husband's father
hadn't passed away at such an early age that
this acceptance would not have been there. I
viewed being gay as something you could catch
(or be influenced into) and no son of mine was
going to be deceived into believing that he was
gay. I knew what the Bible said and I would
fight the devil himself if it meant my son's
salvation!
On the day that Danny came out, we were in the
basement of my mother-in-law's house. Knowing
that he was about to feel his mom's wrath, Danny
came out by saying, "I think I'm gay," or "I
might be gay," or something to that effect. I
remember jumping on the uncertainty in his
words. As long as he was unsure
of how he felt, I was okay. Because as long as
he was unsure, I didn't have to accept it. I had
already decided that Danny was not
going to be gay and that was all there was to
it!
At first I went through denial. Then I got mad.
I understand what they mean when they call some
Christians "Bible Thumpers" because I became one
that day. When Danny tried to talk to me, I
started by telling him what the Bible said. I
gave him the whole speech: "I'm right and you're
wrong," and "the Bible says that God abhors
homosexuals," and "God destroyed Sodom and
Gomorrah because of homosexuality." I took this
17-year-old boy and beat him up with my
Christian beliefs. I showed no mercy, or love,
or compassion. All I did that day was heap
condemnation, confusion and guilt on this boy I
dearly loved. And I did it in the name of the
Lord.
That first day started years of confusion for
Danny. I never realized until later in life how
my lack of understanding devastated him. It
didn't take him long after that day to find his
way back to Texas and put 1200 miles between us.
Later Danny told me about the bouts of
depression, migraines, thoughts of suicide, and
total confusion that he experienced during this
period. At one point he even got engaged to a
girl. I was thrilled, but he couldn't go through
with it. They remain good friends, but Danny
knew all along that being gay was not a matter
of choice; It was what he was. Somewhere along
the line, coming to that conclusion made it
easier for me to understand.
They say that time heals all wounds. Years
later, my stand against gays had weakened. Danny
and I were commucating by phone, and I had
walked away from God, though I still believed.
We were back in Texas; Danny had moved to
Dallas, and he was partying a lot and heavily
involved in the club scene.
I can honestly say that it is only by the grace
of God that Danny is still alive today.
One night we got a call from Danny. He had done
several different kinds of drugs. He was so
scared that he would die that night. Within an
hour Danny's dad was on his way to Dallas to
rescue him. When we got him home he was a mess.
His confusion was tearing him apart and the
drugs had done a number on him. He was trying to
be in the world and all that goes along with
that but part of him remained faithful to God.
He had been going to church in Dallas and
someone gave him the name of a pastor in Austin
where we lived. Danny contacted this pastor and
this gay
pastor took Danny under his wing from the very
first day. I remember that the first service he
went to was on a Wednesday and then there was
some kind of camp meeting in Tulsa that
following weekend and they took Danny to that.
When he came back he was totally transformed. I
could see Jesus in him and there was no denying
that. There standing before me was a young man
who had finally found the peace he had been
searching for for so long.
This brought on major confusion to me. How could
I see Jesus in my gay
son? For me, that was like mixing oil and water;
you can shake them and they may stay together
for a bit but they just don't mix. Yet I could
not deny the transformation I saw in Danny.
There was peace; all the confusion was gone. Joy
had replaced the pain and sorrow that he had
left with. How could this be, considering that
he had gone to a camp meeting with a bunch of
gay people?
Danny talked me into going to this gay church. I
guess I was curious enough that I just had to
see if it was for real. I remember walking in
and being really nervous. But when the music
started and these people started praising the
Lord, I knew it was for real. God had come to
this church and I sure didn't understand it! But
there was no denying that God was there.
This just rocked my world for a while. I started
asking God to explain the whole "gay" thing to
me. And of all the answers God could have given
me, the answer I heard was that I didn't have to
understand it. I was not put on this earth to
judge these people but it was a requirement to
love them. The Bible says we will know them by
their fruit. Today, I see the fruit in my son's
life.
If you were to ask me if this was the life I
would have chosen for my son I would probably
tell you no. But I was not the one who made that
decision. The Bible says that God knew us before
we were even born. If that's true then I guess
God already knew that Danny would be gay in
spite of what I said or thought. We put so much
pressure on these kids that some are committing
suicide while others go through years of
unhappiness, sorrow and depression. By our own
ignorance we are the driving force that is
destroying our families. We have allowed other
Christians to tell us that this is so wrong and
we have listened to preachers condemn them over
and over again. Is this right? Is it done in
love? Because my Bible says that they will know
we are Christians by our love.
In closing, I would like to say to Danny. Son, I
am so sorry for my ignorance. I know that my
words and opinions over the years have caused
you much pain and grief. For that I apologize to
you. I loved you the day before you came out of
the closet and today I love you even more. I
cannot stand before the Father on the final day
for you; that one you have to do on your own.
But if God has called you into this life to be
an example of how a Godly man should be then I
believe we both have won.
The Bible says that the harvest is white but the
workers are few. Ask the Lord of the harvest to
send out workers. I am so thankful for all the
workers that God has sent to GCN. We have a big
task before us and it looks like most of the
Christians will be late.
God Bless,
Cynthia F.
Cynthia's
son Danny told his story on our Feb. 12, 2004,
edition of GCN Radio. You can read
the transcript here or listen
to the show online.