At Minot, North Dakota's Airport today, an individual later discovered to
be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in
possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule, and a
calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney General John Ashcroft said he
believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra Movement, and he is
appropriately being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math
instruction.

"Al-Gebra is a fearsome cult," Ashcroft shook his finger and warned, "They
desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on
tangents in a search of absolute values. They use secret code names like
'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', in their covert circles.

However, we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis
of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer
Isosceles used to say, 'there are 3 sides to every triangle'."

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had
wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given
us more fingers and toes."