I must say it does let you see things differently then most Jesus films it shows how brutal what he went through was. I hope to be able after the rapture and during the tribulation to travel back to that time and see it first hand. While this is a good depiction nothing can compare to actually seeing it. It would give a new appreciation for what he endured. What he went through was torture and I don’t mean water boarding. He paid the price for all sin even mine so we may see eternal life. The pain must have been beyond comprehension and he endured it for us.  How many of us could endure such terrible torture?? So many of us live well we have a house food and no fear of torture and death. How would we fare against but a fraction of this??? It make you truly understand you can do NOTHING of yourself to deserve heaven. Only through Christ Jesus are you able to get into heaven. I can't wait to go home I see more than ever the rapture like salvation is a gift of God I don’t deserve it but God gives it to me. I think what have I done Lord?? and I hear Jesus did it all. I have nothing to do just believe.
 
Still my life's work is little. I feel I will not rank high among the saints. While I will go in the rapture and am saved I feel reward wise I don’t really have much to show for nearly 33 years of life. I am sure God has a purpose for me in heaven and in the MK I don’t know my purpose in this life. Have I failed in this life??? Is God ashamed of me??? While my faith is stronger though having the time to see jack van impe and see the doves letters I wonder would my faith be as strong if I had not had the life I had?? Certainly some sin has been avoided by my life turning out this way but have opportunities likewise have been avoided??? I often feel ashamed of myself for what little I have to show God for my life here. I think of the gifts he has given me and wonder have I squandered them?? Have I not used them to full potential?? I think of the treasure others have stored up and feel inadequate. I wonder did I miss opportunities to store up more treasure in heaven?? I would hate to be looked down upon or pitied in heaven by others who have much treasure stored.
 
I wasn’t the easiest child to raise I admit and I was for most of my life, still am, afraid to reach out to people in a attempt of friendship party because of my elementary (2nd-4th) years but I wonder if I should have done more to overcome it. I have a wonderful gift of having a natural rapport with kids but I have had a difficult time in buckling down to study to be a teacher and when I have worked with kids I don’t think the people like that I have such a rapport. It seem as though they feel men shouldn’t have such a rapport with kids. Should I have done something else with my gift besides try to teach?? Should I not blame them for their thoughts but myself for not using this gift better??? I like some of sci-fi and I especially like star trek and alternate timelines and I would hate to think that if I would go back and do some things different I would have more to show for my time that I would have more treasure stored up. I would like to befriend people in heaven and hold bible studies and have fun with both adults and kids but I feel like who am I to ask their friendship to host a bible study to have fun with them. Sometimes I feel I would have to hang my head low when walking around. I just hope in the MK I can show I am not the lowest amongst men but am as good as they that I deserve to take part in the MK like other believers will even though part of me says I don’t that they have earned their place I have not.
 
With so little time left I guess there is nothing I can do about it now. Maybe when we get there I can find out the purpose of my life why it happened as it did and why it wasn’t better for showing people him through my faith and through my actions. I am sure you don’t want to listen to me whine any more. Besides I have depressed myself.
 
Paul