I copied most of these from a Christian site ~ figured at this time, we could all use a lil' dose of humor!! The JOY of the Lord is our strength!! Amen! So enjoy HIS joy! :) RevaContemplative Vicar A vicar was talking to one of his parishioners. He said "When you get to my age you spend a lot more time thinking about the hereafter." "What do you say that", enquires the parishioner. The vicar replies "Well, I often find myself going into a room and thinking what did I come in hear after."
Missing Missionary and Sick Cannibal Did you hear about the cannibal who got sick after eating the missionary? He boiled him and he was a friar!
Total Oneness What did the Zen Buddhist Monk say to the Hotdog Vender?...Make me One with everything.
The Confused Samaritan .... I LOVE this one! :) A man was beaten up by robbers on a road to London. He lay there, half dead and in bad shape. A Vicar came along, saw him and passed by on the other side. Next, a monk came by but also walked quickly on the other side. Finally, a social worker came along, looked at the man and said "Whoever did this needs help!"
Goliath's Grief! Why was Goliath so surprised when David hit him with a stone? Because nothing like this had ever entered his mind before.
Nietzche A poster read: "God is dead" - Nietzche. The graffiti underneath read: "Nietzche is dead" - God.
Poor Old Peanuts Did you hear about the two peanuts that went walking around the Bronx in the middle of the night? One of them was assaulted.
The Brutal Truth! A man called up a bible believing church and the church secretary answered the call. The man on the other end of the line said, "I’d like to speak to the head hog." The secretary replied, "That wasn’t a very nice thing to say about our beloved minister, Rev. Jones." Again the man replied, "I’d like to speak to the head hog, because I’m going to donate £75,000.00 to the church. She replied, "Hold on a moment, I think the big fat pig just walked in."
A Strange Combination! What do you get when you cross an atheist with a Jehovahs Witness?.... Someone who knocks at your door for no apparent reason.
The Angry Atheist The story is told of the Atheist who accosted a preacher. "Do you believe in eternal life?" The preacher has no time to reply. "Well its a load of rubbish!" shouted the Atheist. "I believe in science, evolution, survival of the fittest, and when we die, that's it! No eternal life, no great judgement, and no God!" The Atheist continues his assault against the preacher repetitiously and tirelessly. "Eternal life! Eternal life! Ha! "Its all pie in the sky when you die." When I die that's it, the end, no eternal life, no nothing. He continues, until he reaches his climax, "I will be buried six feet under when I die and that's it! Nothing! Caput! When I die I am utterly convinced that that will be the end of me!" "Well thank God for that" replies the preacher!
Good King Wenceleslas
Good King Wenceleslas went out to the pizza parlour and ordered a pizza. The assistant asked Do you want your usual? Deep pan, crisp and even?
A Troublesome Fruit It wasn't the apple that caused the trouble in the Garden of Eden, it was the pair on the ground.
Domestic Problems Adam was walking outside of the Garden of Eden with Cane and Abel when the boys were young. Cane and Abel looked into the garden and viewed waterfalls, lovely birds, lush forests and fruit trees bending over because of the large amounts of fruit on them.
Then they took a long look at where they lived at. It was dry, dusty with weeds and sickly-looking trees.
"Daddy? Why don't we live in there instead of out here?" they asked innocently.
Adam said, "Well sons. Eve and I use to live in there at one time. But your mother ate us out of house and home."
The Cost of Living God said to Adam, "I am going to make you a helper, a companion. What would you like your companion to be like?" Adam replied, "Well I want someone that is humorous, witty, intelligent, compassionate, caring, loving, trusting, polite, generous and beautiful."
God paused a moment after Adam's wish list and told Adam that a companion like that 'would cost him an arm and a leg.' Adam seemed a little dejected and then brightly replied: "What can I get for a Rib?"
Flattered Minister A pastor was leaving his area and was saying farewell to his congregation at the Church doors for the last time. He shook the hand of an elderly lady as she walked out. She said "Your successor won't be as good as you." "Nonsense", said the pastor, in a flattered tone. "No, really", said the old lady, "I've been here under five different ministers, and each new one has been worse than the last."
Disruptive School Kids What did the cross eyed school teacher say to his disruptive children? - "I can't control my pupils."
Good Sermon! After a very long and boring sermon the parishoners filed out of the church saying nothing to the preacher. Towards the end of the line was a thoughtful person who always commented on the sermons."Pastor, today your sermon reminded me of the peace and love of God!" The pastor was thrilled. "No one has ever said anything like that about my preaching before. Tell me why." "Well - it reminded me of the Peace of God because it passed all understanding and the Love of God because it endured forever!"
What can you expect?
On the way home from church, they went on & on.... Tommy's mother said the organist played too loudly; his dad said the preacher was too long-winded and the sermon went on past kickoff time on TV; his mother said the deacon didn't greet them, and the ladies didn't compliment her for bringing donuts; and the music was horrible today.... why did you HEAR that sour notes the choir sang, and it was too hot in there, don't they believe in air conditioning, and someone's perfume was too strong, and..... well, it just seemed everything was wrong. Tommy popped his head up from the backseat and asked, "yeah, but what can you expect for a dollar?!"