Dear Stacy R....Oh please, stop hurting from your heart! That's not what God wants from us....He wants the fruit of the spirit (see Galatians 5:22).
I've been where you are until I learned to trust God, and just let Him lead me! All you have to do is read your bible (I think a couple of us mentioned bible versions today). Just make sure it comes from the Majority Text, or the Textus Receptus. I read the KJV only....NOT the NKJV (that's a bad one as well). Keep away from Wescott and Hort abominations. They use the manuscripts from Alexandria, Egypt. And they were both immersed in the Ocultic Arts (Satanists). If you don't want to believe me on this, do a study on it yourself. It took me 10 years (I didn't have a computer then). It's your soul, so be careful!
!
This is a really easy to understand way of thinking about salvation:
1. Believe you are a sinner saved by Grace through faith in our Lord Jesus Christ. (Eph. 2:8). That's permanent...forever....it can't possibly be undone. (Have you ever tried to get "un-birthed" from your mother? Impossible!)
Now, forget #1.....it's all over, and you never have to think about it again if you don't want to. You WILL be going to Heaven. (You don't need to go through 5 or 6 more "altar calls" just because you weren't sure the last time. I know, because I did that before I learned better.) BTW...Most "pastors" tend to have lots more donations after great altar calls....I'm just sayin'.....
BUT.........now you're saved. So what are you going to do with it? You don't have to DO anything. You're still saved.
REMEMBER....
2. God has plans for you. Whether you cooperate, or not, is your choice. He wants you to rule and reign with Him as a "son of God". But that's also up to you. Planet Earth is our schoolroom. (We flunked the 10 Commandments) The Bible is our textbook for learning. Once you pass from here to there(rapture or death), it's graduation time....or it's "flunking the whole course" time. Our "degree" is in Sanctification (growing in knowledge and wisdom of the Lord...or "soul" growth)....we are graded by what we did with our salvation. Only you know your own journey (you have the book, an! d you have to do the reading). Sometimes you won't know that goal! until you're almost there. But relax and enjoy the journey. (Warning...people are going to really dislike you).
[What God doesn't CLEARLY tell you is that He starts giving you a "hunger" to learn about some parts of scripture more than others...and you become a pursuer of that special area....it happens to everyone (Psalm 42:1). It's a hunger and a thirst! And it's magnificent]
3. After all is said and done, you will be judged. This is graduation, and your journey through sanctification (gaining wisdom and knowledge of the Lord) determines how qualified you will be for specific work you will be doing. (Rev. 22:12). If you haven't learned anything or progressed in any area that the Holy Spirit tried to show you, you won't be up to doing anything significant. But, ! if you've put your heart and soul (mind and thinking processes) into the things of the Lord, you will be qualified to rule and reign with Him.
When the journey is over, you will be GLORIFIED. (Daniel 12:2-3). I believe the brightness of the glorified bodies will differ as with the rewards, which involve crowns. There are a few crowns, and some will require a martyr's death (after the rapture). There is a crown for those who love His appearing (II Tim.4:8). For me, it's not possible to love someone as much as I love our Lord Jesus and not want to learn everything I can about Him from the letters (bible) He wrote to/for me. And knowing He is coming soon excites me beyond belief!! So, if we miss one timing, it's off to the next with even more excitement than the last time!!! Will this please Him when He comes for us??? Wil! l He be happy with people who really don't care one way or the other?&n! bsp; These are the "no man knows the day or hour" people....and since they think we can't possibly know, they never bother looking. Will these people please our Lord?
I wish I weren't so wordy, but once I get going, it takes Duct Tape to shut me up...and, unfortunately for you, I live alone. (Don't feel sorry for me because I'm an extremely contented 'hermit'). Anyway, I hope this helps your doubts about what you should or should not do...or have to do. Everything is your choice. The only rules are the ones you read/make for yourself.
Your sister in our Lord Jesus,
Arlene