I had a strange dream the other night about a man and I do not know if this man is a fictitious man who represents a group of people or a real person.   But I was at an amusement park and a gentleman who had light hair possibly sandy blonde hair, sort of short hair but probably about 4 inches long....was young but maybe in his 40's or 50's yet he did not seem to have any wrinkles and was clean shave.   He was very educated and he kept saying that he graduated from Princeton.   And the guy was very angry with me, very irritated.  He kept kicking me and hitting me.   I was wondering why he was doing this to me, trying to come after me like this.   And when finally he stopped he told me.   He said something to the effect that he was extremely educated and that he knew the Bible inside and out, and that he knew everything about science like it was child's play.   But he was angry because he could not understand or get a vision or a dream from God, that he didn't know when he actually met Jesus Christ, and he did not know if he was really saved.   He wanted to believe he was saved because he did say the sinners prayer but there was something blocking him from having some kind of conversion.   When the man told me this I was so upset that I cried.   He had been kicking me because he was frustrated with himself.   So then I asked him to sit down and I talked to him about salvation.

This letter is probably not for anyone on the watcher websites.   But maybe there is a person out there who will google this.   I can tell you what I experienced and I hope that it will speak to you, whoever you are.

When I was a child at the age of 7 years old I cried to God that I did not want to go to hell. Then at the age of 8 years old I started having rapture dreams.   I was still innocent and loved God from a distance, but I thought that when I died then that is when everything would be real.   God scared me and I thought that you grow up and get married, get a big house, have children and have big Christmases.   I envisioned a man rescuing me and having a dream wedding and being a beautiful woman like a Barbie doll.  

At the age of 15  I walked down to the end of the church to the pulpit out of some kind of conviction to get baptized.   I felt very convicted, yet I did not have any type of spiritual conversion.   I didn't feel any different and I had went to a Pentecostal school and any time people said they had visions, dreams, spoke in tongues I thought they were crazy and that they were making it up for attention.   Sometimes I thought they even might be getting these from the devil.   They seemed out of control, unpolished and kind of back woods who might have been incorrectly taught about God.   I saw how some of these kids acted in the school and whenever they were out of the church service, when we were out on our breaks/recess they would talk about sneaking out, drinking, and try to smoke cigarettes, and cuss.   I was wondering how could people be in worship service and then change so dramatically?   To me they were putting on such a huge show and I thought they were so full of themselves.   I began to despise anything related to church, I thought they were so lame.  

Anyways a series of unfortunate events started to unfold in my life.   My grandparents died, my mother divorced my dad, my dad supposedly cheated on my mother, then my mother just becomes a recluse in her home.   My mother won't even leave her house, she won't go to school, get a job, etc.   I began drinking and I ran away.   I couldn't take it anymore, I felt abandoned and angry.   But the alcohol and the sins that came with it including the occult finally caught up with me.   There was a time I was left alone in a gay night club and I realized for the first time in my life that I was lost.   I had been hanging out with friends who were deep into witchcraft and one night I was drugged.  I remember being on the floor of my apartment that night and seeing three demons trying to drag me into hell.    Not too long after that incident is when things started to happen.   I came home on a Sunday....it was 7/12/1998 and I fell on my face and just started crying and crying and crying.   I felt that someone had died, and it was me!   I cried, God if you are real, if Heaven is real, then tell me.   That is when I saw Jesus come to me and grab me out of hell.   He was amazing, beautiful and nothing like what people describe Him.   He was a king, so elegant and breathtaking that I was completely in love with Him, He sparkled like millions of dazzling diamonds and jewels in His robe.   His face was so bright that He turned it away from me, and it looked like His wings were going to cover me from all the evil.   His robe swayed like someone had a fan blowing in it.   His voice sounded like a waterfall.   All I knew is that I wanted HIM!   I wanted to be with Jesus.   Nothing else mattered at that moment.   He made me feel so happy, so wonderful that I felt like I was in a bubble of complete bliss.  I didn't feel like I was in a church where I wanted to get out of there, like I was thinking about how long is it until lunch....how long are these preachers going to keep lecturing me about how bad I am and how much work I have to do.   It was not like that at all.  

I cannot compare the feeling in earthly terms because there isn't really a way to describe it.  I searched for that feeling and I never found it.  The buzz of alcohol, that first meeting of the perfect man where he swept me off my feet with a sporadic trip to New York City, being able to buy a new car and all the perfect clothes, getting the perfect job.   It seemed every time I got what I wanted or worked for, I would say to myself OK NOW WHAT?   I had to have another goal or thing that I had to get.   I did that for about 4 years and it just was not working and I just collapsed.    See, my problem was not with the preachers who were lecturing me, it wasn't against the holy rollers who were either real or pretending that I met along the way, and it wasn't against my family who I thought abandoned me and stole from me my future.   My problem was with Jesus Christ.   I was angry and drinking because I did not know Him and there was no amount of going down the aisle, reading the Bible, going to Christian school, being lectured to, reading books that was going to change the fact that I JUST DID NOT KNOW JESUS CHRIST.

But you know what I realized in this?   I realized that there is no key that I could have created or stole to be able to find the door to Jesus.   It was Jesus that had me on His list to save and He was going to reveal Himself to me.   

So I don't know if this man from my dream is fictitious or if he represents a group of people who are frustrated with God.   And I do not know people's situations or what has happened in their lives.   Some people have never sinned grossly, they have led such hardworking, productive lives and have always tried to be good.   What I will tell you is if you are feeling this way, please pray to the Father, that He will reveal the Son to you in a mighty way so that you can enter into a relationship.....a relationship that is as real as any relationship with a person on earth that you can see, hear and communicate with and that isn't something you have to wait for until after you die.    To wait until you die to have this experience of closeness with God, His Son and His Spirit really is just not a life.   It is like going through the motions of life living for moments of excitement for the next big event....like a person who is always at work during the week living for the weekend..

I will say that when I met Jesus for the first time, I did try to live a life of holiness for a year and then fell back into sin.   I was pretty immature still and decided that I could live in the world and be a Christian, but that did not work.  I was in love with being around Jesus and that honey moon period of meeting the most amazing person ever lasted for a while.  But I believe now that I did not have the Holy Spirit enter me or either He could have left me when I decided to take that drink of alcohol.    I lived a life partying for another 6 years until Jesus had enough.   Yes I did have about 4 visions during this 6 year period but I had not walked away from my sin and taken up my cross.  

It was not until 2004 that I turned from my sins and decided to make Jesus Christ the MASTER of my life after He came to me this time angry with eyes of fire as a roaring lion.  When I did that and nailed my sins to the cross with Him, and said I would not do these sins anymore....that is when I knew I was born again.   I felt a complete change but the feeling of bliss wasn't there the same way as it was the first time.   I had always feared I hurt Him really bad and needed to mend the relationship, kind of when you cheat on a spouse.   But even so, when anyone would say the name of Jesus Christ the hairs on the back of my neck and on my arms would stand up and a shiver would go down my spine.   Whenever I heard any type of hymns being sung my spirit felt like it was leaping inside of me like the feeling you get when the love of your life gives you that smile.   Whenever I saw a picture of Jesus on the cross, tears would roll down my eyes.   My feelings toward what my sin was, what it did to Jesus, how I was acting, what eternity really meant, how short this life was....it changed at this moment.   Yes I met Jesus in 1998 and knew how awesome He was and that He was making a rescue attempt to get me out of hell.   But it took me 6 years to come to understanding of what real salvation felt like, not just the feeling of being around Jesus but to have Him live inside of me.

If you are struggling today, please do not be like me.   Please do not put it off anymore.   You may hate Christians, you may be angry with God because your baby died, your parents died, you lost that job and have no money, your family member is very ill, or you are angry because you have been the perfect citizen and you just feel like God has passed you by without some amazing encounter....

God is no respecter of persons.   He created each person and loves them the same and gave them all the same chance of salvation.   It is a free gift for you and for me.   Each person has a unique calling and destiny and none of us are expected to have the exact same relationship with Jesus....but we HAVE to have a relationship with Jesus in order to be saved.   And that relationship comes from the Father revealing the Son to you, you falling to your face in bitter, sorrowful, grief stricken remorse over your sins, and turning away completely from those sins that are keeping you from salvation.   And then picking up your cross daily and follow Jesus in obedience, letting Him be the Master of your life in everything you do.   The relationship and your calling will follow with amazing miracles that will be special to you.

Don't let other Christians or things that have happened in your life keep you away from Jesus Christ.   He is real!