My dearest doves,
I do not know how to thank each of you individually for your responses.  Each one was different and each one was meaningful and led me to further think and pray on this matter.
Today - this man approached me on a sexual matter which is abhorrent to me and to God  (involving including a third party "next time")- thus I now know he does not "have a heart of gold" (apart from his many good works) and that he is not a Christian in any way.  I did not reproach him apart from a firm "no thank you" as I want to keep the door of friendship open so that I may tell him the gospels.  I am unafraid to do this....in fact I would be a poor Christian if I did not.
But - I have been made aware that to sin in this way (and yes thunderbird - you nailed it when you spoke of the confusion because you know the "desire" was real and it makes your repentance seem false).  Anyway - I have been made aware just what the consequences can be and how you really do not know the heart of somebody until they reveal themselves to you (their true colours).  Today has resulted in a fair share of grief for me as I mistakenly thought what we shared was meaningful.  Oh how clever the deceiver is!!  Thus I have sinned and now know that my prayers have been heard and I have been forgiven but I have to deal with the fall out from this.  I do believe that God will also be with me in this.  It's not easy to accept the fact that you've fallen so hard after many years of the refusal of the demon of lust - it seems that after so long the fall is bigger!  There is no justification in my heart - just a knowledge of my sin, my repentenace and my forgiveness from the Lord.  Surely he knows my heart - even better than I.
Kelly - I believe you are correct when you say there is more to this than first meets the eye.  There are some things that have not been 'right' between God and I for some time - now I see the chance to address these issues and plead his great mercy and grace. Even before this happened I have been having constant anxiety attacks so I know that all is not well.  Often it seems the closer I try to come to God the more ferociously I am attacked by the enemy in so many different (often sneaky) ways.
I can be strong though - tomorrow is a new day - and I will tighten my resolve and put on the armour of God - and believe in His promises that He will be with me and help me.....the road is a narrow road we travel - the wide road looks easier - I need to stick to the narrow pathway.  Thank you for all your prayers - I hope you know how much they mean to me.
 
May God be with each and every one of you.
Your sister in Christ. (no longer "hurting" but "wiser")