Dear Doves,
I am very low in spirit tonight having commited a sin - one where the temptation has been beckoning me - and I caved.
Normally I confess straight to God - but for reasons not of my understanding I have received a prompt to write to my fellow doves and ask if this is normal?  I tried so hard not to commit this sin - I begged for help from Jesus in resistance - but in the end I was not strong enough and this is killing me. (spiritually).
 
I understand I need to repent and ask forgiveness (which I have done) but I do not feel "cleansed".  I feel so very hopeless and so very weak for having given in and let myself walk into a situation where I knew the possibilities.
 
I am going to tell you the circumstances (why I just don't know - I feel like I must for it all to make sense).  I have been single for 5 years now and after fully re-committing myself to Jesus 3 years ago made the decision to be celibate unless I ever remarried.  I have a strong friendship with my neighbour next door and we often have coffee together etc.. Tonight "it" happened and I feel like I have single handedly with one night ruined 3 years of a promise made.  I'm beating myself up horribly.  As a single Mum to a 20 year old I have often felt un-loved, lonely and in desparate need of the "power of touch" - I could have stopped it happening with a single word but I did not.  It is now 3.50am and I have to go to work tomorrow and I cannot sleep.  I have been under immense stress with my daughter away in Europe for 8 weeks (and Motherly worries), my sister with terminal cancer, an 85 year old Mother to look after and feeling like there is "nothing for me" - this is no excuse- it's just "the way things are".  So I don't find it surprising that I caved - I am human - but I feel "horrible".  I should note here I could easily fall in love with this man - I do not know his religious views - it is a subject we have not covered.  What I do not understand is that after 3 years of resisting any of this type of temptation why was tonight different?  Why could I not stand strong as I normally do.  I am very sorry if anybody takes offence to the subject matter - however sexual matters are thoroughly natural so I guess nobody would do so?  Neither of us is married.  We are both divorced and both not of our own choosing.  Worst of all although I repent of the sin - I am unsure if under the same circumstances I would have acted any differently.  This makes me feel most "un-Christian like".
 
Now I am panicking how I am going to get through my working day tomorrow - I feel stressed to the core, spiritually unclean and for the first time felt like my repentance fell on deaf ears.  I am wondering if it is because my repentance although sincere did not take into account the fact that I do not deny it was wonderful to be "loved" and this man has a heart of gold.  Why does being a Christian have to be so very hard.........
 
I am not normally a "tell all" person - in fact I am a very private person so I do not understand the prompt that has had me write this.  However I guess I have never claimed to be perfect.
 
How can I fully repent of this sin when in my innermost heart I do not think of it as something nasty and horrid but of something that merely happened and in itself was beautiful and meaningful? I can see I will have to break the ties of friendship with him in order for it not to happen again and this in itself hurts very much.  Oh gosh - I'm in a right mess here aren't I?
 
Thank you in anticipation of answers and I sincerely apologise if I have caused any offence with the subject matter.
 
God bless you all,
"hurting"