Thanks Doves, for letting me share my heart.The hardest thing I've ever had to do is sit & watch my mom die! :(
My aged mother, (extremely poor health) fell Weds morning & broke her hip & arm. I've said all along that it's gonna' be a "toss up" as to which happens first -- her death or the rapture. {I still feel that way -- but that's cuz I feel the rapture is so, so imminent!}
We were told on the phone going down, (by my bro) the surgery would be "quick" ~ 2 screws in the hip & wham-bam, she'll be able to "walk right outta' there". YA ~ right!! Well, maybe that's what he was told & he was just passing along ~ So at first I thought well, perhaps it's not as bad as I first anticipated.
But she is SOOOOOO frail & pale that I didn't EVEN recognize my own mother when I walked down the hall of the hospital!! And it had only been 3 weeks since I'd last seen her.
So tiny, so frail..... a helpless body laying there. She's in extreme pain, and the surgery will be no easy task. {surgery's been postponed till Monday, cuz her fingers were turning BLUE the other day, & doctors were concerned of a blood clot, although I chock it up to horribly poor circulation} It was so horrifying to SEE her turn BLUE like that! They plan to do a "local" on the hip, so the whole surgery will last but only a few minutes & they say it's best not to operate on her arm at all ~ as it's too busted up, and surgery would take too long.
As though emphysema, congestive heart failure, turning blue, and bone breaks were not enough ~ I (cried) on the way home & explained to my husband that I'm also noticing early symptoms of Alzheimer's!! He suggests it could me the meds -- as she IS pretty well doped up.
But no, I've been thru' Alz. with my dad!! These are DEFINITELY the same symptoms!! No wonder she's had me in such a stew so many times when I'd call her. Even now, we have our "moments".
I'm not questioning God or anything -- but it's just that it does such a number on you to see the human body "decay" into something like this. {I hate this world & the curse on it!}
I wonder about her sight as well. Just seems it's 'bout everything all at once.
Just 3 weeks she was feeding herself, now we are feeding her ~ not much at that, she eats like a bird.
On one hand, you HOPE that your loved one will not die ~ but on the other hand, you PRAY that they WILL. {if saved} So, you feel emotionally *TORN* by the tug-of-war feelings meeting each other head on.
My brother ~ I've never hated, nor ever will; yet it's awkward & uncomfortable to be in the same room with him, knowing how much he hates us. I sure felt his eyes on me Friday afternoon, after the chaplain came in & prayed. No need to wonder what my brother was thinking ~ God recorded his thoughts. As much as I've hoped against hope, I realize that a civil relationship w/my brother, even after Mom's gone ~ is just not possible. He just tries to put too much of his own problems on my shoulders -- he's like that -- you know, every bad thing that happens is always "someone else's fault". And he stays so angry all the time; gets mad at every lil' thing.
IF Mom pulls through this, then she will need to go to an assisted living center & I realize I've got a fight on my hands with my brother over this. Could use prayer *there*, too.
With all this going on with Mom ~ I have good days & bad. I was pretty strung out Thurs. when seeing her ~ and I did everything in my power to turn the other way, so she wouldn't know I was crying. Friday I was pretty strong. Friday night, my husband & I took turns staying with her, so we got VERY LITTLE sleep, as she moans & groans CONSTANTLY. Nursing staff comes in constantly. And she has ongoing, every minute needs. Then this morning (Sat.) I fell all apart again when talking to one of the nurses about the "do not resusitate" form.
I was doing fairly well on "my shift" while staying with her Friday night until the nurses came in to turn her a bit to give a break from laying constantly on her back ~ and to hear her scream in such severe pain just made me come unglued!! I couldn't take it!! ~ that's when I REALLY started asking Jesus to please come for her SOON!
We are "spent", to say the least..... to the point of not knowing what day of the week it is.... totally *exhausted*!!
Husband and I, fortunately, have a sense of humor -- cuz we are able to "laugh off" the few (weird!) visitors Mom's had at the hospital -- the neighbor she's known for 46 years -- how he sits there & talks about all the people he knows who've *DIED* over the years {gee ~ thanks for the joyous burst of sunshine!!} and another friend, my age, who talks on & on & on incessantly about HERSELF...... and the "instant family reunion" ~ ie/ her brother who cut off talking to her about 6 months ago, is suddenly "concerned" about her. My cousin, who I haven't seen for 30 +/- years is excited about seeing me! ~ Mom's dying, let's just all get together and have a big ol' (dysfunctional!) family reunion!! /reeking of sarcasm....
Not to worry -- there's no $ involved. Mom's a pauper ~ has been her whole life, and all we've got on her is a mere burial policy. But heh -- maybe the relatives are being nice "just in case"! *Sigh!*
Today, we made the 2 hour drive home to get clean clothes & other things we had forgotten to bring & plan to return late Sunday afternoon and stay through Tues, unless the Lord brings about other plans.
Salvation is, of course, the number one thing that matters in these cases. And I've fought within myself numerous times -- not "knowing for sure" whether my mom was truly saved or not. But now, I feel more that she is than do I doubt ~ it's just that she's been a "grumpy" Christian over these years! heh, as she's always struggled with that. The Bible gives us guidelines for how to be full of joy, and not discouraged, yet it doesn't keep a person out of heaven if that's the disposition they choose. She does believe in Jesus, has accepted Him, and just last week we talked of His soon return.
Well, that's 'bout it ~ don't want to talk your ears off. Know you've got better things to do than to listen to my bad news. This IS hard! So many emotions involved, and I HATE to see her in such pain & suffering so, so much. But with the Lord's help, we will get thru' it. And those of you who are *watchers* along with me, know that we are talking of His *SOON* imminent return!! Thanks to all for your kind words, encouragement, and most of all for the prayers. And thanks for listening to me ramble. It's SO important to know "someone cares" when you're hurting so badly.
*Awaiting that great gettin-up morning*!
~ 1 Cor 10:31 {formerly "RJ's here" at another board}
Jesus is coming *SOON*!!
Are you ready? Luke 21:36
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