Quick JokesThere was a preacher that was trying to sell his horse. A potential buyer came to the church for a test ride.
"Before you start" the preacher said,"you should know that this horse only responds to church talk. "Go" is "Praise the Lord" and "Stop" is "Amen."
So the man on the horse says " Praise the Lord," and the horse starts to trot. The man again says "Praise the Lord," and the horse starts to gallop.
Suddenly there is a cliff right in front of the horse and the man yells "Amen!!!" The horse stops just at the edge of the cliff.
The man wipes the sweat from his brow and says "Praise the Lord."
My friend Don, a minor-league umpire, is used to being heckled by fans. But imagine his surprise when he was rushing to umpire an exhibition game at Coors Field in Denver. After a long search for a place to change clothes, Don finally located a room with a neatly lettered sign: "Dressing Room, Umpires Only."
As he was about to go in, however, he noticed something else below the sign: the same message ... written in Braille.
A husband and wife had a human cannonball act in the circus. One day, the
wife ran off with the lion tamer. The husband was dejected. The strongman
asked him what he was going to do. Replied the husband, "This is a
disaster. I don't know where I'm going to find another woman of
her caliber."
Will: I got this great new hearing aid the other day.
Diane: Are you wearing it now?
Will: Yup. Cost me four thousand dollars, but it's top of the line.
Diane: What kind is it?
Will: Twelve-thirty.
Lawyerese
The Wall Street Journal recently quoted the following comment by Robert H. Mundheim, general counsel of the U.S. Treasury Department.
"When an ordinary man wants to give an orange to another, he would merely say, 'I give you this orange.' But when a lawyer does it, he says it in this way:
'Know all men by these presents that I hereby give, grant, bargain, sell, release, convey, transfer, and quitclaim all my right, title, interest, benefit, and use whatever in, of and concerning this chattel, otherwise known as an orange or citrus orantium, together with all the appurtenances thereto of skin, pulp, pip, rind, seeds, and juice, to have and to hold the said orange together with its skin, pulp, pip, rind, seeds, and juice for his own use and behoof, to himself and his heirs in fee simple forever, free from a liens, encumbrances, easements, limitations, restraints, or conditions whatsoever, any and all prior deeds, transfers or other documents whatsoever, not or anywhere made to the contrary notwithstanding, with full power to bite, cut, suck, or otherwise eat the said orange or give away the same, with or without its skin, pulp, pip, rind, seeds or juice.'
Calling For Tech Support?
(sound familiar?)Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring.... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring...Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring...Ring...
Automated Answer:
"Thank you for calling Technical Support.
"All of our technicians are currently busy helping people even less competent than you, so please hold for the next available technician.
"The waiting time is now estimated at between 15 minutes and eternity. In order to expedite your call, please punch your 63-digit product identification number onto your telephone touch pad, followed by your product serial number, which can be found in a secret compartment inside your computer where, for security purposes, it is printed in the smallest typeface known to mankind.
"Do that now."
A Poem for TexansBless this house, oh Lord, we cry,
Please keep it cool in mid-July.
Bless the walls where termites dine,
While ants and roaches march in time.
Bless our yard where spiders pass
Fire ant castles in the grass.
Bless the garage, a home to please-
Carpenter beetles, ticks and fleas.
Bless the love bugs, two by two,
The gnats and mosquitoes that feed on you.
Millions of creatures that fly or crawl,
In Texas, Lord, you've put them all!
But this is home, and here we'll stay,
So thank you Lord, for INSECT SPRAY!!
til that time,
t