Carol Lee (18 Feb 2012)
"A Reluctant Watchwoman"

Dear John,
What can I say other than a heartfelt thank you! I am so grateful for you ministry. I have been encouraged and blessed. May the Lord continue to anoint and bless Five Doves!
Dear Doves,
Greetings to my brothers and sisters in Christ! I have been a Five Doves visitor/reader for several years. I have been watching and waiting with you for the return of our precious Saviour!
This is a long overdue letter. Since 2008 I have been having dreams about the end of days. I have had many intense dreams that seemed so incredibly real... a tsunami, a massive earthquake, an invasion of the U.S. by foreign troops, and a detainment camp. I have had dreams about President Obama that have given me great concern. I also have been frequently seeing the numbers 111 and 1111.
I would go back and forth between believing that they were from the Lord and believing that they were just a result of my overactive imagination. I have struggled with over the last few years... should I tell others about these dreams? If so, who should I tell? Are these really from the Lord? What if I attribute something to the Lord that is not from Him? What if these are warnings from the Lord and I do not share them? Will people think I am crazy? Will I drive my unbelieving family members and friends away if I share this? What if? What if...
I remember praying as the little girl and asking that the Lord would use me in a special way. I didn't fully understand the gospel back them, yet I reached out to God in a simple but sincere way. I never expected to be called to be a watchwomen. And to be quite honest, I have doubted and dismissed this calling more times than I can count. Why would God call such a follower with such an imperfect faith? I lack courage, I struggle with the same sins repeatedly, my walk with the Lord has been so inconsistent. If this truly is a calling from the Lord... how disobedient I have been!
I am a homeschooling mom with a busy schedule and I have used this as an excuse to dismiss what I have seen. For quite some time I would just keep focusing on my family and my various ministry commitments and trying to convince myself that God would not call someone as unworthy as me. I prayed and asked the Lord to confirm to me if I really was called to be a "watchwoman." A couple of weeks ago. while I was driving, I was listening to the radio. I normally listen to Christian radio stations, but I had flipped the dial to a secular talk radio show. The host quoted the verse from the book of Ezekiel about watchmen and the blood being on their hands if they do not warn others. I held my breath.
Then just a few days later, when I was speaking to a church leader (someone from our denomination that was visiting our congregation) he shared the same verse with me and talked to me about being a watchman. I began sobbing right there in church building. I was having a hard time convincing myself that this was just another coincidence. So here I am. A reluctant watchwoman.
My desire is to magnify the Lord, and to be a ready and willing handmaiden. I long to hear my Saviour and King say, "Well done my good and faithful servant." But I am not sure how to get there. I know that I am supposed to rely on the Holy Spirit and not try to labor in my own strength. Just not sure how to get from here to there. I have been struggling in prayer. Also, I have been experiencing what I believe to be spiritual attack. Basically, I'm a mess.
Not a great debut on Five Doves. I know, right? But I am just being honest. I just felt like you all would care and might understand what I am struggling with. I normally am an encourager and a nurturer, so this watchman & warrior stuff is a stretch for me.
Thanks for reading. Please pray for me if you feel led. I would be grateful. May the peace and grace of our Lord be with you.
Love your sister in Christ,
Carol Lee
Welcome to the Doves, Carol!