I think part of the cause of my Asperger's (I was misdiagnosed as a child and only this year learned about having this) may have been from the molestation I suffered at the hands of my grandfather. my life has shaped me while I don't understand all of it I know I have a gift of being able to work wonderfully with children I am somewhat child like myself so I can talk with them and interact with them on there level sometime better than a more "grown up" individual. But there are many who don't trust men who work good with kids. (finding a day care job was hopeless [it was quite obvious from statements that men were not welcome] even when I volunteered at a school teachers disliked that the kids liked me and gave hugs and high fives to me) they think it unnatural for a man to want to be around little (under 12) kids and that only a perverted man would want to spend time with them. So I have the wonderful gift from God but no where to use it. Sometimes I feel I have failed the Lord by not being able to use this gift.
I get sad that I don't have children or a wife or girlfriend. most of my extended family live across state so I don't see them much the last I saw them was in Sept 2000 when my good grandpa died (the one on dad's side not the molester one) .I dote on them I have bought many gifts for them over the years to show my love but still I feel empty without the contact. Socially I fit in more with elementary kids than adults my age. Even as a child I didn't fit in socially with my peers. I think it did prevent some sins from being committed but made for a lonely childhood and I still have only my family and those on the net. I never understood dating and subtleties I am sure some did show signs of liking me growing up but I was not able to understand such thing. I have been hurt emotionally by females as a kid and adult so I can't trust any so I know I wont be married down here.
I hope greatly to be a elementary (K-6) teacher in the Millennial Kingdom to use this great gift to God's glory. I hope to be a dad up in the New Jerusalem I know there will be plenty of kids there needing a dad so surely God will provide. I hope in the NJ I can have adult friendships even a soul mate but I would still like to be able to get along really well with kids. Working with them is so much fun and so rewarding I wouldn't want to lose that part of me.
I get sad sometime still being here because I feel there is noting here for me and I just feel like there is nothing for me to do and I am just waiting for the rapture and each day is just another day stuck here. I wonder what am i supposed to do Lord?? I just want home. I want to belong to have friends my age to hang out with. kids I can have fun with without adults questioning my motives. I want a hug from Jesus and to hear him say he is proud of me. I want to feel good about myself. I don't want to feel basically worthless. other than my mom and dad I have no one. I often wonder what is my purpose?? why was I put here??
Sometimes I feel out of place in society. I think I would fit better in a 1950's leave it to beaver type world. I long for a world that was gone before I was even born. maybe the MK will be a simple 50's style life. maybe the NJ will have a leave it to beaver feel. I'm a relic of a bygone era. I prefer records to CD's, classical and instrumental and jazz to rock and rap and hip hop, I think dresses should go below the knee preferably some where between mid shin and ankle, that boys pants should NOT be around their knees when walking or standing showing off their underwear, I liked cars better in the 40's-50's when each one looked different not all basically the same design, when for teenagers the question was should you kiss on the first date or is that too soon not do you have to wait till the 3rd date to have sex, when children still had their innocence, when even as a 15 or 16 year old you were still a child not a young adult, I think Hollywood was better before the MPAA rating system, a time when you could expect decency on TV and in movies, when every other commercial wasn't for 'erectile dysfunction' pills and you could find wholesome family shows on [leave it to beaver and lassie being tops with me]. the only difference I have with that time is I find beauty in artistic nudity (it doesn't excite me one bit) and have no problem with nudists. I think that wouldn't fit in to well in the 1950's era. hopefully after the tribulation we can get that kind of world again.