I want to thank you again, for taking the extra time to think and ponder on what I wrote of again - the tears and crying and the overwhelming grief I feel over and over. Sometimes I cry so hard that I actually strain or micro-tear the intercostal muscles that run in between each rib and the pain starts in the chest area and runs right around to the back, between that particular rib. You can also get that kind of micro-tear when you work out too much in your pectoral area, but hey, that's not me.
I had no idea that such a thing could be considered a "gift" of the Holy Spirit or even that it had a name - Compuction!. The Theology of Tears. It's hard for me to think of something that looks to ugly to people to be something that is beautiful and useable to God. I will definitely get this book you brought to my attention and read it. I will ask my Capuchin Priest/Pastor friend if he knows of this book (I bet he does) as he loves to study the Saints and their lives...!
I believe that the people around me at church pretty much just assume that I am crying as a baby Christian cries when they are first saved. It is not worth going into a deep discussion over it and I let them assume that's all it is. But after being saved for over three decades yet just coming back only a few years ago ago, and deeply seeing the Grace factor only a few months ago, I doubt this sorrow and anguish I feel is going away anytime soon. Wow, if only I had understood the depths of God's love and the Sacrifice made all those years ago at age 15 when we are such babies. I know it does no good to look backwards but to only look ahead and press on, as Paul says.
And now especially with the expectation I (we) feel every single day looking up, expecting to hear and see Him call us, and of course the grief we feel for our family, friends and those we don't even know - this only compounds it. I don't cry like this every day. Some days I simply cry over my own personal stuff going on, i.e. family being harsh, my husband doesn't want to come home from the Middle East (contracting, not military) and thus our marriage is only a legal agreement on paper, etc.
I too also just ordered the Passion of the Christ, but I have not watched it yet. I saw it in the theater when it was running and it was really hard to watch. I remember the theater was packed and people were even sitting in the aisles. You could hear a pin drop. I pray to the Lord that people were made to understand the Greatest Sacrifice of All Time and it pricked and pierced their hearts on towards salvation.
Thank you Robert!!
Love in Christ,