Amanda, Charles, Diana, Diane Gilbert, Barbara B, Mara Anna, Robert Belanger, Gerlinda, Jackie and Leslie F.
God bless you dear men and women who took the time to respond to the heart-felt anguish in my spirit and soul. You will know fully in Heaven what your responses meant to me - that you took the time to encourage me, a simple sister in the faith.
I feel mostly like I am the appendix of the Body of Christ. I'm not quite sure where I even fit in with spiritual gifts. I was born again in 1980, fell away for about 27 years, and came back starting in 2008 while looking at conspiracy websites which I was lead to while investigating a certain 2008 presidential candidate. I was massively gripped in fear and anxiousness. In 2009 I was Baptized in the Holy Spirit, and since that time, the Lord has been "cleaning house" within me, little by little, very gently because He is never harsh with His children. (BTW, I have pretty much abandoned those conspiracy websites because the Lord told me to look intently ONLY at HIM! He told me to "marinate" in Him"!)
Only about a month and a half ago was I led to utter and complete, on-your-face, groveling on the ground, repentance. It was because I had a glimpse of God's absolute Holiness and I do not think anyone can stand in the presence of it. And also, unbelievably, for the first time in all these years since 1980, I finally understood (as much as we can understand here in these imperfect vessels we abide in, while here on Earth) what Jesus actually did for me, what it meant to Him, and what it did for me and for the whole world. I cannot even begin to comprehend how he took it on himself, in a human body, that much sin!! It is too much to bear in our minds, it is too much to take. All I can think is that when we are called to be with Him at the last trump and we are finally with Jesus, greeted, loved, and held tenderly - that all that anguish in soul and spirit will be gone - just GONE! I also can't even begin to imagine what this wedding banquet/feast is going to be like.
I must confess something. I am not sure if this is a sin on my part or not (maybe envy??). Many of you know exactly what your gift is, and many of you have visions, dreams and prophecies that are of great comfort, great warning, great exhortation for others, or you are great teachers/instructors. I think that is absolutely wonderful. But it is true, we are not all called to have the Lord speak to all of us in such a way? Maybe my lack of not knowing exactly what my gift is tends to make me doubt that I am in right-standing with my Lord Jesus. Is it that perhaps my gift may be something a lot less "extravagant" - like mercy, or faith, or the ability to intercede? I only hear the Lord speaking to me in short whispers, perhaps only a word or two at a time. Or a verse I had memorized or a song I knew 30 years ago will pop into my brain. I do believe that the enemy is trying to have a field day with me because he sees what has happened to me and he absolutely hates me and wants to trip me up and make me doubt the truths and promises I already know and STAND ON.
I am quite literally alone. My husband works overseas and does not really believe, I have hardly a friend in the world, and my family doesn't speak to me apart from my Mom. I have starterd attending a church in this new city I live in and I cannot find fault with the teaching. However, nothing is being said about being in the End Times; repentance and holiness are taught, but only if it comes up in the text of what is being taught (this church goes through the Bible, verse by verse). I feel the pastor is humble and contrite and open to the Lord in teaching and truth. The elders have been so kind to me, and they have prayed with me, annointing with oil and laying on of hands. They cling to and feast on the Word (as they should) and not extra-Biblical teachings or revelations. And I feel the people there are just lovely. But everyone is so happy and "victorious". I know they stand in the Grace that has been given them and they are so happy. But the people here see my weeping, the shakiness, and I believe they think it is for some other reason apart from being overcome by God's Holiness and Grace. During worship, it seems I am the only one with tears streaming down my face, puffy red eyes, sniffling to hold back the mucus from dripping from my nose....LOL I'm a mess, a holy mess. The reason I go is because I held myself away from fellowship for so many years because many of the churches I tried to visit seemed apostate or post-modern emergent, or a 5-ring circus for entertainment purposes only, or simply dead. But in this absolute end time, I feel I have to be somewhere, trying to learn, trying to worship with others, trying to seek. It's getting so evil out there I just feel it's dangerous to stand alone.
Well anyway, I am so glad to have found this forum (THANK YOU JOHN!!!) and to know I am not alone. I may feel alone geographically, mentally, physically, maybe in every other way, but thank the Lord for the gift of the internet so that we are not alone. I so look forward to seeing all of you at the Wedding, and no introductions will be necessary. I know the Word says we will know one another instantly! I CANNOT WAIT - BAITED BREATH - WEARINESS - LONGING - BEYOND EXCITED.
P.S. Robert - that hug would mean A LOT to me, don't doubt yourself!