I have been checking the five doves site for some time but have only written one letter prior to this one, which I believe was back in 2003. However, something happened recently, which I felt I should share.
In the latter part of June a very close relationship for me was ended, and it devastated me to the point where I felt lost and broken. On June 22nd, about a couple days after I realized this relationship was surely ending, I went outside my home and noticed a small, injured, baby Robin on my porch. It looked as if a nest had been made above my porch and that the Robin must have fallen out. It appeared it had traveled about 6 feet. Its feet looked so weak that they could not yet support its body. Its eyes were closed, and when I touched it I could feel its heart beating rapidly. What amazed me is that there are about five cats which roam the neighborhood and one often sits in the chair on my porch. I was surprised a cat had not grabbed this baby Robin up yet.
I remembered that if you pick a bird its mother would not return to it. I quickly researched this online and found that bird's actually do not have a well developed sense of smell and that it is a myth if you pick them up the mother will not return. So, I took a dropper I had with some sugar water, fed the baby bird a few times, took an old Easter basket, put some grass in it, put the baby bird in the basket it and hung it on a hook over my porch. I saw the mother feeding the bird later the next day, and a couple more days later the baby bird was gone. I never saw it again, though I wondered if it fell out of the basket and a cat got it.
Now at this time I began to do three things as a result of my brokenness and heartache.
First, I printed the books of the Bible out and cut them into slips of paper and placed them in a cup. I drew them out of the cup and one by one I would read them.
Second, I began to skip a meal because while I was broken I felt my hunger for Him was not as great as my hunger for food (to comfort me). I wanted God to know that I needed to hear from him so badly that I wanted my hunger pains to turn into hunger to hear from him. I started with skipping dinner, and then skipping dinner/breakfast, then dinner/breakfast/lunch. After the first three meals I missed I had tears of joy in my heart when it was time to eat again and thanked him with all my heart for the food. But, then hours after I was full I found myself comforted and more easily tempted (sexual appetite/passion is one of things I have struggled with since a teenager, which manifests itself in the form of impure thoughts/actions). After being well fed I would cry out to God to feel the closeness I felt to him when I was without food. This led to my fasting about every other day at that time. And, it was through this fasting that God began to break me of this sexual appetite for the first time in my life and gave me a freedom I had never felt over it. I am 36 years old. I have struggled with it each week (or more than once a week) for just over 20 years.
The third thing I began to do as a result of my brokenness and heartache was to start running again 2-3 days a week. I live in a new area, so exploring my new surroundings out in the countryside sounded like a good thing. My first time out I could barely make a mile. The roads are so hilly, though the scenery so pretty. However, I was surprised at my progress despite my fasting every other day because in four weeks I went from barely able to do a mile to making 4.5 miles. I admit that seeing cattle on a field next to me and seeing three Buffalo in another field along the way helps to inspire my runs; especially the Buffalo because they are not found in this region and apparently the owner of the farm acquired them and likes to have them.
There is a reason for the detail I have given you up to this point. This particular week has been very special to my life’s story, and now I wish to share with you what has happened.
On two of my three runs in the past 7 days I have seen for the first time three horses on a hill, near the road. I have never seen them before but they stand together in a way that each can see me as I pass them coming and going on the path I take running. I also noticed each time I passed them that one horse has an old worn-out looking rag tied around its head to cover its eyes so that it cannot see. Yet each time the horses stand in the same place and the blind one always faces my direction. After the second time running this past week I felt a whisper in my heart that "the blind one is you". And, the other two were the Father and the Son. They stand with me, but I am blinded. I prayed "Lord, help me with my blindness. I want to see." At the end of the run, I felt another whisper to my heart "I am about to do something in your life not even you will believe." I said to Him, "Lord, I can't wait!"; having no idea what he would do that could be so amazing.
At this point it is August 19th (yesterday) and God is powerfully wiping out the 20+ year sexual appetite within me (what I believe to be a generational evil spirit passed down from my father's side of the family because that sin is prevalent on that side of the family). However, I still at times morning, day and night have anxiety about the relationship that ended back in late June. I feel so many feelings well up within me. I want to lure her back to comfort my heart. I don't want to think about who she might be with now. I have random feelings about being deceitful in order to find out if she still thinks about me. These feelings can be so intense (even with fasting and prayer) that I cry out to God to please take it from me.
But now it is August 19th and God is ready to show himself strong and gain the glory for himself.
After my early evening meal I intended to go home and run. As I am driving home it comes to my mind how much God has overcome the spirit of Prostitution (sexual appetite) that was once so strong in my life week-to-week, and how I had traced that back to my father's side of the family. And at that moment I felt the God's Spirit whisper to my heart... "and what about the evil spirit clinging to your mother's side of the family". I was stunned. I had no idea what he was talking about at first because if you met my mother's side they are the type of people who will do anything for you. My grandmother was the perfect representation of that before her death two years ago.
I drove the rest of the way home praying for insight into this. I know some of my mother's side likes comfort food (spirit of Gluttony). I know that each of the sister's was deceitful with their mother somewhere along the way in life (spirit of Deceit). But, these were overall very good people, and it seemed to me like those evil spirits (I struggle with both) are enabled by a more powerful evil spirit. As if they get fed by a stronger evil spirit, which was from my mother’s side, and attached itself to me from birth and grew up with me all these years along with the spirit of Prostitution.
I set out on my run and shortly after I left my neighborhood this huge dog I had never seen before came running toward me and alerted me to his presence with this fearful bark. He only barked twice and he stopped in the road behind me, but I became so scared that I could feel the adrenaline rush of the moment. Then God's Spirit whispered to my heart... "it is the spirit of fear and terror. It is the prince among the evil spirits." I immediately thought to myself could it be? And before I had even run a single mile 6-7 dogs had come out to meet me at the road and bark at me as hard as they could... In all the weeks I have run I have only ever seen/heard two dogs along the way, and they were always at a distance.
Suddenly it all made sense. My mother once remarked that she never could understand how someone (my Grandmother, her mother) we all believed to be so close to God could be so afraid of the mention of death. It didn't matter who it was about, she was not comfortable with any form of conversation about death. Also, my mother and her sisters… they are so sweet and thoughtful and caring and giving but they can be so fearful of things in life and have a great fear of shame. And that fear feeds the spirit of Deceit, and I now saw how it had surely been a source of "guilting" the members of their family into doing what they believe is the right thing at times.
So I prayed to God with joy in my heart, "O God, you have revealed such a wonderful thing to your servant. Now after all this time I understand. O Father, my God, in the name of your Son and for your glory go to war with me against this spirit of Fear and Terror that has been with me all the days of my life." At that moment I felt a melting away over my soul to the point laughter and joy came from my lips, as I felt to be truly a free man. I knew in my heart the spirit of Fear and Terror would return; perhaps with some friends more wicked than itself. But, I also knew with fasting and prayer, my God would gain the victory as he was gaining the victory with the spirit of Prostitution in my life.
So, shortly after I began my run I had immeasurable joy in my heart like one who was finally able to move on from where he had been stuck. And, when I came to the hill and looked for the three horses (one blind), and they were gone. I believe it was because the one who was blind could now see and that one was me. My Father and my Lord had removed the blindfold in my life that very hour, and we had already begun to move on.
When I came home and stopped running at the edge of my driveway. I did what I normally did, which was to walk the 200 foot length of my driveway to the garage and then back down and back up again in order to cool off and catch my breath. I walked up the driveway and then back down it. And, on my way back up I stopped suddenly because of what I saw... There before me was a fully-feathered baby Robin looking at me. I couldn't believe my eyes. I looked at it from a distance; not believing it could possibly be the same one from nearly two months ago, but it had to be... it looked just like it but with all its feathers now. At first I didn't want to come closer because I didn't want to scare it off right away. But, he was looking at me so directly and would not take his eyes off me. I began to walk toward him; believing at any minute he would put distance between me and him as all wild birds do. But, he didn't move. He kept staring at me. I was now only a couple feet from him. I thought he might be injured but he looked okay. He and his fat belly were standing on his big feet. So, I reached out my hand and pet him, and pet him some more on his wings, his head and his belly. Each time I pet him he wouldn't not take his gaze off of me. He was fearless. He even let me spread one of his wings without care or concern. Only when I nudged him to move would he open his mouth and chirp at me almost happily.
It was at that moment I realized what God was showing me... this bird I found broken and unable to care for itself was at the same time I was in the same state back in June. But, God nursed me back to health and took care of me as he does for even the birds. And, tonight... yes the very night of August 19th when I was reunited with this baby Robin my Lord had made my heart as fearless and free as what this baby Robin was displaying to me.
Praise you O my Lord! Praise you for you are Great Physician who heals my soul and binds up all my wounds to make me yours forever!!