THE LARK PROGRAM
 

A lady wrote a lot of letters to the White House, complaining about the treatment of a captive insurgent (terrorist) being held in
Guantanamo Bay. She received back the following reply:

The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, D.C. 20016

Dear Concerned Citizen:

Thank you for your recent letter roundly criticizing our treatment
of the Taliban and Al Qaeda detainees currently being held at Guantanamo
Bay, Cuba.

Our administration takes these matters seriously, and your opinion
was heard "loud and clear," here in Washington. You'll be pleased to
learn that, thanks to the concerns of citizens like yourself,
 we are going to eliminate the current program and will be creating a new
division of the 'Terrorist Retraining Program', to be called the
"Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers" program, or LARK for short.

In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have
decided to place one terrorist under the personal care of each liberal
that has complained . Your personal detainee has been selected and
scheduled for transportation, under heavily-armed guard, to your
residence next Monday.

Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud - you can just call him Ahmed - is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in
your letter of complaint. It will likely be necessary for you to hire
some assistant caretakers.

We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards
of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly
recommended in your letter.

Although Ahmed is a sociopath, and extremely violent, we hope that
your sensitivity to what you described as his "attitudinal problem" will
help him overcome these character flaws. Perhaps you are correct in
describing these problems as mere cultural differences.

 We understand that you plan to offer counseling and home schooling.

Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat,
 and can extinguish life with such simple items as a pencil, or nail clippers.
 We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these skills at your next yoga group.

He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices
from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items
safely locked up, unless - in your expert opinion - you think this might offend him.

Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters, except sexually,
 since he views all females as a sub-human form of property.
This is a particularly sensitive subject for him, and he has been known
to show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the new
dress code that he will recommend as more appropriate attire. I'm
certain you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka - over time.

Just remember that it is all part of "respecting his culture and
his religious beliefs", wasn't that how you phrased it?

Thanks again for your letter. We truly appreciate it when folks
like yourself keep us informed about the proper way to do our job. You
take good care of Ahmed, and remember, we'll be watching!

Glad to be of service to you,

Your President,

George W. Bush