Dear John,

Surprise!  This time it's me, the Karen part of Rick and Karen Hedrick.  My initial inspiration to write was in response to Kay's heartfelt letter, but I have now been up all night and need to get ready for work in 2 hours. Rick has prodded me to write and I tried to warn him how I am.  I hope this isn't too lengthy ... it just sort of grew a life of it's own, and I haven't said all that I'd like.    I do thank you for all your hard work.  We have been glued to your  website since we discovered it in January.  Thanks!!

 

Dear Kay,

 

When I read your letter my eyes kept growing larger and larger!  Wow!  I totally understand your feelings and can commiserate with you about our children. Everything you said in your letter is how I have been feeling also. I have one daughter, 19, who is at the age of finding herself and exploring her beliefs. Unlike your children, she wasn't raised with going to church,  except for a few years of VBS or random times throughout the years when a friend would invite her. When she was little I would sing to her at bedtime "Jesus Loves Me" and "Jesus loves the Little Children", but it's not the same thing.  You might wonder why her mother didn't take her to church.  That's another story. This is the first part of it ......

 

 I was raised in a good home with strong Christian values and had grandparents who were devoted servants of our Lord. They lived every moment of their lives dedicated to God and following His word.  My parents took me to church every Sunday and I went many times on Weds night with my grandparents.  A tragedy just before my 9th birthday took the life of my dearest friend, my cousin Anna Mae. She was 1 week younger than me, and we were soul sisters, and her funeral was on my 9th birthday.  Something in the middle of the night woke me, and I heard my parents' voices, so I tiptoed softly to the door and opened it just a smidge so they wouldn't know I was up. I saw that Dad was wearing coveralls and he was very dirty. He was explaining to Mom what was going on and that they still hadn't found Anna Mae, so he needed to go back and help dig some more, but they were afraid she was dead.. I crawled back into my bed and pulled the covers over my head and cried into my pillow so that I wouldn't wake my little sister. I was heartsick!! But I remembered being told that if you prayed to God, he would hear your prayers, and that God could do ANYthing.  I prayed and prayed and kept on praying with everything I had.  In my child's mind I tried to understand it, and I thought that maybe God just needed more souls in heaven for some reason, so I begged him, saying "Oh God, if you need for somebody to die, to be with you in heaven, please let it be me and let Anna Mae live, because she is a better person than I am".   I didn't realize that I had it all mixed up ..... she was in a better place already.  So when my Dad came back, and I heard him (from my eavesdropping station) tell Mom that they had found her dead body,

 

I was devastated. I cried in my pillow till there were no more tears to cry before I ventured out to the kitchen. When my mother told me about it, I just said "I know" in an offhand sort of way, like "so what", but I knew that they were hurting too, and I think I just felt too raw and vulnerable at the time to talk about it.  I felt as if I had been lied to about God answering prayers, not understanding that he hears them, but we don't always get the answers right away or in the way we hope for, but in His own way and time.  But I did not know that as I looked out our kitchen window at the ENORMOUS orange fireball on the horizon where my cousin's home used to be, 6 miles away.  There had been a train pass by in the night, 1/4 mile from the house. A  large propane tank beside the track was leaking gas, and the conductor noticed it. He waited until he thought he was far enough past it, but when he applied the brake, it sparked the gas that had been sucked along behind him and went all the way back to the tank.  The 1/4 acre woods became charred stubble, all their livestock dead, every building demolished, the house imploded as if made of matchsticks.  People felt the ground shake 150 miles away. There were 9 people there that night, of which 6 were injured in various degrees. Miracles do happen, even in the midst of heartache. The two babies were saved by a mattress that had fallen over them and protected them, as if a feathered wing from a guardian angel.  They barely had a scratch. Then,  of course, was the precious little girl who went to be with Jesus. 

 

Just weeks before this happened, we were in church and there was an alter call, to come take communion and invite Jesus into our hearts.  Anna Mae sat beside me in the front pew, and she stood and went to the alter and got on her knees and asked Jesus to come into her heart.  I stayed back for a short time, and even though I didn't intend to go up, I found myself irrisistably drawn, and I went, and I took communion and prayed. I'll never forget that wonderful feeling that came into me !!  I felt .... awakened? It's hard to describe, but I KNEW that something had just happened, even though I wasn't sure exactly what.  Only four years ago Anna Mae's sister told me that after that night, she had told our grandfather that she (Anna Mae) had told God that she was ready to come to heaven, and that God had answered her that it would be very soon.  Her Daddy had been killed in a car accident a year earlier and she missed him terribly . I think, maybe, for her prayer to be answered, mine could NOT.  But it did start a lifelong search ...... and now I'm at peace, and I know the depth of  God's love for all of us.  There have been many years in between, and as God's child I have pushed the limits with some of my behaviors, testing my limits?  I was angry with him at first, when she died, I couldn't understand it.  Although people saw me as a good person, and I KNEW I was a good person, I also knew that I was sinning.  Now I am reborn and I love Jesus with all my heart, and do the best I can to search out the truth, and share it with my daughter the best I can, but I know she is not living in a way that is pleasing to God. So, I do what you do, what we all do, for those who don't understand .... we pray for them, and ask for his divine guidance. 

 

I get troubled by the differing opinions on just about every subject too.  Kay, your letter was so well put, and said all the things that I've been thinking but hadn't been able to express.  I appreciate the dedication that the Doves all have in sharing their beliefs,  their trials, and testimonies.   I have learned immensely. Thank you all so much!  Especially you John!! 

 

Much Love

Looking Up

Karen Hedrick
__
Thanks for the heartfelt sharing, Karen. Once I felt like dying when I betrayed God over something I did not understand very well at the time (I know better now). I literally wanted to drive off into a cliff a few times after the event on my long way home. I never felt so sick and unworthy. It troubled me a great deal. But thanks be to God! He did not leave me in that state for long. He sent me the scriptures from Ps 103 below. Because of the way the scriptures came to me, I know with certainty they are from Him to me because He heard my prayer and knows my heart.

Ps 103:8-14
The LORD is merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and plenteous in mercy.
He will not always chide: neither will he keep his anger for ever.
He hath not dealt with us after our sins; nor rewarded us according to our iniquities.
For as the heaven is high above the earth, so great is his mercy toward them that fear him.
As far as the east is from the west, so far hath he removed our transgressions from us.
Like as a father pitieth his children, so the LORD pitieth them that fear him.
For he knoweth our frame; he remembereth that we are dust.

John